I did it.
I stuck it out, and today was my LAST DAY pumping.
I didn't think this day would ever come, and somehow now that it's here, I feel a little guilty and a little sad. This time of my life is over, and that's strange.
For those of you who don't know our story, Isabel (though just two days early) was born tiny, and the nurses didn't want her using up too many calories trying to nurse (even though she had an immediate great latch). She was given a bottle and it was a battle after that to get her to nurse. She would do it sporadically, whenever she felt like it. I was really stressed about it because I was a new mom, and everyone tells you that your kid has to breastfeed or they will be an inferior human being. Or you will be an inferior human being. There were all kinds of desperate measures that could be taken to force her into nursing exclusively. But I was not willing to do that. It was going to be stressful on her and stressful on me, and I was already stressed because having a (at the time) 3 month old is hard.
But I wanted to give her breast milk, if possible. I know that babies who grow up on formula come out better than fine, but if I could produce it and contain it, I knew I wanted to do that for her.
I had been pumping from day one, every 2 to 2.5 hours on the dot, like clockwork. So I just decided to keep it up and pump exclusively. It was really hard. I was stuck to a machine for something like a total of 2 hours a day, sometime while Isabel cried for me. I missed the tender nursing moments we had. When company would come, I'd be stuck in another room for 20 minutes at a time. I felt the stress of making sure I could get to my pump when I needed to, or my supply would dwindle or I would be in pain.
What used to be a month-to-month struggle for survival became routine. It just became life. And before I knew it, I had enough milk stored up in the freezer to get us through to just about her first birthday, when I can start giving her cow's milk.
And today was my last day pumping. I think about all that frozen milk. Those bags are symbols of all the struggle, stress, and sometimes actual sweat and tears I experienced over the last nearly 11 months. But it was worth it. I feel like I've done something important.
I've learned a lot about myself through this. I've learned where Isabel gets her tenacity and determination. I've learned that if someone tells me I can't do something, you'd better believe I can. And will. But more than anything, I've learned that I really can't do it on my own. I've learned that my determination and tenacity are strong, but without God's strength, I am weak.
So I didn't really do it. God did it.
So what else did I learn?
1. I learned that (and it's always easier on this side of things, and every new mom has to learn this herself) you can actually relax about most things. If your child is fed, clothed, and content, you have done your job. There are no special medals for those who exclusively nurse, pump, or use formula. Anyone who says or implies that your child (or you) will be inferior as a result of your choices is simply a fear-mongering fool. Relax. Your child will turn out just fine if you don't nurse. I have a very close bond with Isabel, despite not having exclusively nursed. She's also whip-smart and very happy. I know other babies who are formula-fed and just as smart and happy. Be nice to yourself and just relax. Let go of some of your preconceived ideas of what is best and just do what is best for you and your baby, if it doesn't harm others.
2. You can do anything for just ten seconds. Okay, maybe Kimmy Schmidt taught me that, but the concept applies. I took it one session at a time, and sometimes, half a session at a time. Then one month at a time. And then it was done. If you want to do it badly enough, take it ten seconds at a time.
3. I learned a whole heck-of-a-lot about pumping. If you need tips, let me know. I learned way too much to list it all here.
4. There are some battles you should not fight. Not when you want to win the war. I wanted to be a happy mom. In order to do that, I needed to stop battling Isabel's strong will against nursing. It was as simple as that. And once I let go of the guilt I never needed to have, we were both happy.
5. I don't know more than nurses, but there is something to be said for a mother's instinct. If I had it to do over again, I would request that my daughter continue to nurse and then weigh her the next day. Because I really think she would've been just fine, considering she could hardly be waked to drink formula. And I would have said "hey lady, please take that paci out of my kid's mouth, and ask me next time before you do something that clearly can mess with nursing, since she is my kid and not yours," only in a nicer way.
6. Milk smell exists at all times, and grows more pungent with sweat. I'm super glad to be done with that.
So if you are an expectant mom, I know that you are probably overwhelmed with all the information and expectations placed on you-- feeding, sleeping, wearing, working, etc. You might have strong convictions one way or the other about a lot of things. But when you find yourself in a situation that is affecting your joy, make a decision and don't feel guilty about it. Because you get to call those shots, and nobody gets to judge you.
If you find yourself on the pumping journey, take heart. Set small goals and create a routine, and remember why you're doing it. Before you know it, you'll reach your goals and create more, and then one day, you'll pump for the last time and wonder how your child got so big (here's a hint: it's from drinking everything for which you've worked so hard!).
****
For those who would like to know, here's an update on our family since our heartbreak last week.
We are healing. Mike and I process in very different ways. I process through words, both written and spoken. Mike processes inwardly and therefore it's more mysterious to me. But we've spent a lot of time together over the last week, and that has helped. We've prayed a lot, consulted the word a lot, and had so, so many dear friends check in on us.
It is still hard to believe that it has happened, and that we have a child in heaven. It hits me sometimes, when I think "I should be pregnant right now. I should be six weeks pregnant and telling my family in person this weekend." I think, "I should start feeling nauseated." I think that the exhaustion I'm feeling as a result of the trauma is what I would be feeling like if I still had the baby. But on the other hand, my mind went through a type of denial, and I tried to convince myself I had never been pregnant, but I clearly was. I guess it just seems easier to take not getting pregnant over losing the baby.
I've learned that this happens so often. So many women in my life have experienced this loss, though many keep it quiet. I'm personally glad I didn't keep it quiet. I think it helps me to talk about this baby and I pray it will help others who (heaven forbid) have to walk the same road.
So we are healing. We'll never forget, but the Lord is good and allows time to help heal our wounds.
We were planning on plating a tree for Isabel's first birthday in May. We are now going to plant two trees, because we want to always remember the life that was created and ushered into heaven so early.
Thank you so much for your prayers and kind words. We are blessed beyond measure to have so many who care. Please continue to pray for healing and that we would trust in God's timing and sovereignty as we continue to hope for another child.
xoxo,
A
4.23.2015
4.17.2015
And If Not, He Is Still Good {Our Heartbreak}
I'm an open book. I have always felt that if whatever I have endured can help others and point them to Christ, then I would talk. I would write.
So today, I write about our heartbreak.
On Wednesday, we were having a baby. On Thursday, we weren't.
Mike and I enjoy being parents more than we expected. Isabel is an immense source of joy in our lives. And she's such a "good" baby. She's full of spunk and sass and never. stops. moving, but she sleeps 12+ hours at night plus naps, and she is affectionate and funny. It's no surprise that we wanted to add to our family, sooner rather than later.
We didn't have trouble conceiving Isabel, so (foolishly) we thought it wouldn't be an issue to have another. Four months later, and I was still waiting. I know that's not a long time to wait. Not in the grand scheme of things, and not compared to how long many women wait. But every month feels like a lifetime. On our timetable, we wanted children close together. On our timetable, we wanted another child before the end of the year. But our timetable is not God's perfect timetable.
I thought another month had ended in failure. And then nothing happened. So on Sunday morning, I took a test. It was positive. Faintly positive, but positive. I was pregnant. I shook with emotion. I was so grateful. We wanted this baby so badly!
I'll never forget how Mike tenderly touched my belly before church. It took him months to do that the first time. But now he knows fatherhood. He knows the richness of new life.
I took another test in the afternoon to be sure, and it was still faintly positive. I will also never forget Mike's response to that test. "Yep," he said, "You're knocked up." Crude, but true. We told our parents and siblings, but Mike wanted me to wait to tell friends since we found out a week earlier than last time. I was only about 4 weeks, due in mid-December. I took another test a couple days later since it had been faint. Still faint, but still positive. So this was real.
For almost a week, I carried a secret much like I carried that seed-sized baby. I wrote a letter to the baby and started planning, because I'm a planner.
And then Thursday morning I woke up and I was bleeding. In my heart, I knew.
I had to be normal. I had a photo shoot, I had to take care of my child, I had to be out in public and go to the doctor. So I had to be normal. Even though the bleeding got worse, I had to be normal.
I went to the doctor and it didn't look good, though he wouldn't give me a definite answer until the blood work results came in the next day.
But I had to be normal because Isabel needed me to be normal. I sang "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands" to her when she fussed in the car, as usual. But this time it meant so much more. When I bathed her, I sang "Great is Thy Faithfulness," as usual. But this time, my voice wavered. Not because I didn't believe it, but because I did.
When Mike came home and Isabel was down for a nap, I finally let go of normal and cried as my husband held me. We cried together for the baby we would never get to hold, for the future that we wouldn't get to see. For the life that had ended so very soon. It was a life. It wasn't a mass of tissue. It was a life.
That's why I have to write about this. I need others to know that this baby existed. There is no other evidence besides three positive pregnancy tests in a garbage bag. I need people to know that this baby lived and died, because it matters.
A miscarriage is not something you think will ever become a part of your story. You don't stand there on your wedding day, dreaming of your future and imagine weeping with your spouse over a lost pregnancy. But it happens, and it happens so often. I know so many women (and subsequently men) touched by this kind of loss.
Today, our little family of three walked up to the doctor again. As I heard an ultrasound machine and a healthy heartbeat in the room next door, my doctor told me it was "absolutely" a miscarriage.
My baby had absolutely died.
And I was absolutely crushed.
Some who read this might say, "you were only 5 weeks when you miscarried. That's not as bad as _________." It's true that I can't even begin to imagine the pain of a late miscarriage. But that doesn't negate my pain. For the short, almost week I knew about this child, I loved it. It was real, and anyone who has ever been pregnant for any length of time can tell you how real it gets, quickly.
Some might say, "just be grateful for the child you have." To them, I say this:
I am unspeakably grateful for my daughter. But that doesn't mean I didn't want this child too. This child was wanted. This child was prayed for.
Why am I writing this while the pain is so fresh? I need to. I need to tell the world that this baby existed. And I also need to tell the world that God is still good. All yesterday, I kept thinking, "if not, he is still good." In the words of my father, "why not me?" The Lord gives and takes away. His plan is perfect, and I trust it. I trust him. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Strangely, it isn't hard to still feel blessings during this time. One is the wonderful, caring group of friends who are taking care of us, praying for us, and checking up on us. It is so nice to have a church family to lift us up in our darkest moments. I am so thankful for the body of Christ.
I am thankful for articles like THIS that make me cry but make me so thankful for God and his Word to us {seriously the best article I've read on this topic}.
So this is our heartbreak. We are alright, but we are grieving. I am in physical pain too. But we are convinced that our God is still good and worthy of praise. We would also covet your prayers.
So today, I write about our heartbreak.
On Wednesday, we were having a baby. On Thursday, we weren't.
We didn't have trouble conceiving Isabel, so (foolishly) we thought it wouldn't be an issue to have another. Four months later, and I was still waiting. I know that's not a long time to wait. Not in the grand scheme of things, and not compared to how long many women wait. But every month feels like a lifetime. On our timetable, we wanted children close together. On our timetable, we wanted another child before the end of the year. But our timetable is not God's perfect timetable.
I thought another month had ended in failure. And then nothing happened. So on Sunday morning, I took a test. It was positive. Faintly positive, but positive. I was pregnant. I shook with emotion. I was so grateful. We wanted this baby so badly!
I'll never forget how Mike tenderly touched my belly before church. It took him months to do that the first time. But now he knows fatherhood. He knows the richness of new life.
I took another test in the afternoon to be sure, and it was still faintly positive. I will also never forget Mike's response to that test. "Yep," he said, "You're knocked up." Crude, but true. We told our parents and siblings, but Mike wanted me to wait to tell friends since we found out a week earlier than last time. I was only about 4 weeks, due in mid-December. I took another test a couple days later since it had been faint. Still faint, but still positive. So this was real.
For almost a week, I carried a secret much like I carried that seed-sized baby. I wrote a letter to the baby and started planning, because I'm a planner.
And then Thursday morning I woke up and I was bleeding. In my heart, I knew.
I had to be normal. I had a photo shoot, I had to take care of my child, I had to be out in public and go to the doctor. So I had to be normal. Even though the bleeding got worse, I had to be normal.
I went to the doctor and it didn't look good, though he wouldn't give me a definite answer until the blood work results came in the next day.
But I had to be normal because Isabel needed me to be normal. I sang "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands" to her when she fussed in the car, as usual. But this time it meant so much more. When I bathed her, I sang "Great is Thy Faithfulness," as usual. But this time, my voice wavered. Not because I didn't believe it, but because I did.
When Mike came home and Isabel was down for a nap, I finally let go of normal and cried as my husband held me. We cried together for the baby we would never get to hold, for the future that we wouldn't get to see. For the life that had ended so very soon. It was a life. It wasn't a mass of tissue. It was a life.
That's why I have to write about this. I need others to know that this baby existed. There is no other evidence besides three positive pregnancy tests in a garbage bag. I need people to know that this baby lived and died, because it matters.
A miscarriage is not something you think will ever become a part of your story. You don't stand there on your wedding day, dreaming of your future and imagine weeping with your spouse over a lost pregnancy. But it happens, and it happens so often. I know so many women (and subsequently men) touched by this kind of loss.
Today, our little family of three walked up to the doctor again. As I heard an ultrasound machine and a healthy heartbeat in the room next door, my doctor told me it was "absolutely" a miscarriage.
My baby had absolutely died.
And I was absolutely crushed.
Some who read this might say, "you were only 5 weeks when you miscarried. That's not as bad as _________." It's true that I can't even begin to imagine the pain of a late miscarriage. But that doesn't negate my pain. For the short, almost week I knew about this child, I loved it. It was real, and anyone who has ever been pregnant for any length of time can tell you how real it gets, quickly.
Some might say, "just be grateful for the child you have." To them, I say this:
{source}
Why am I writing this while the pain is so fresh? I need to. I need to tell the world that this baby existed. And I also need to tell the world that God is still good. All yesterday, I kept thinking, "if not, he is still good." In the words of my father, "why not me?" The Lord gives and takes away. His plan is perfect, and I trust it. I trust him. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Strangely, it isn't hard to still feel blessings during this time. One is the wonderful, caring group of friends who are taking care of us, praying for us, and checking up on us. It is so nice to have a church family to lift us up in our darkest moments. I am so thankful for the body of Christ.
I am thankful for articles like THIS that make me cry but make me so thankful for God and his Word to us {seriously the best article I've read on this topic}.
So this is our heartbreak. We are alright, but we are grieving. I am in physical pain too. But we are convinced that our God is still good and worthy of praise. We would also covet your prayers.
{source}
xoxo,
A
4.13.2015
Some Food For Thought
Over the weekend, I read an article about how Gwyneth Paltrow bought what groceries she could for $29, the amount of money per person given for food stamps. The #FoodBankNYCChallenge is raising awareness about hunger (which is a real problem; I'm not arguing that). They seem to indicate that $29 per person per week is not enough (the $29 is not meant to be the sole food budget for a struggling family; rather it is to be a supplement. And most families on food stamps also qualify for WIC if the mother is pregnant or has a child/children up to 2 years old).
I think that's ridiculous. We often exceed our food budget and have to borrow from other columns in our budget because we can't afford a budget of $87 a week ($29/3 people). This is what Paltrow bought with her $29:
Now, I set up my stash on my counter and could barely fit it all-- all with the intention of taking a photo. And then I forgot. So I'll just list my stash:
1 eggplant
3 cucumbers
1 red onion
1 very large zucchini
2 dozen eggs
1 head of lettuce
1 spaghetti squash
2 cans of black beans
4 cans of fruit
3 cans of vegetables
1 box of cherry tomatoes
3 avocados
3 lemons
3 limes
1 8lb bag of red delicious apples
Sriracha sauce
pesto sauce
1 package of baby portabella mushrooms
4 sweet peppers
1 bag of Cuties clementines
1 bag of white grapes
6 big pears
1 loaf of multigrain bread
8 cups of yogurt
2 packages of string cheese
1 package of low-fat wheat tortillas
All of this for $63.42, which is $21.14 a person.
This doesn't include everything I need for my week, but that's because I already have feta, brown rice, chicken, salmon, potatoes, fat-free Greek yogurt, peanut butter, etc. But most people carry over things to the next week if they get a good sale the week before. Besides, you could add a raw or pre-cooked chicken for $5 or less and you'd still be under $29/person/week.
I shopped at a local fruit stand (for you locals, it's the one on Coachman and Old Coachman by the railroad tracks) and Walmart. I typically avoid Walmart, but it was nearby and I needed some other things. If I had shopped at Aldi for the things the fruit stand didn't have, I would have saved even more.
My meals for the week:
Monday: leftovers from family dinner on Sunday
Tuesday: grilled salmon kebabs (Gorton's salmon-- I get on BOGO at Publix + coupons) with lemon and roasted red potatoes
Wednesday: Tex Mex chicken salad and leftover potatoes
Thursday: roasted veggie pizzas
Friday: Sriracha lime chicken chopped salad and rice
Saturday: leftovers
Sunday: family dinner
I will use the eggs, extra veggies, bread, and spaghetti squash for lunches and breakfasts.
Mike and I are also attempting to do Weight Watchers, and all of these recipes are Weight Watchers adaptable.
So... I think Gwyneth Paltrow and co. are either very out-of-touch, not creative, or not willing to go somewhere besides Whole Foods to get their groceries.
Tell me about your weekly groceries and menu! How are you creative to keep costs down?
xoxo, A
I think that's ridiculous. We often exceed our food budget and have to borrow from other columns in our budget because we can't afford a budget of $87 a week ($29/3 people). This is what Paltrow bought with her $29:
(source)
1 eggplant
3 cucumbers
1 red onion
1 very large zucchini
2 dozen eggs
1 head of lettuce
1 spaghetti squash
2 cans of black beans
4 cans of fruit
3 cans of vegetables
1 box of cherry tomatoes
3 avocados
3 lemons
3 limes
1 8lb bag of red delicious apples
Sriracha sauce
pesto sauce
1 package of baby portabella mushrooms
4 sweet peppers
1 bag of Cuties clementines
1 bag of white grapes
6 big pears
1 loaf of multigrain bread
8 cups of yogurt
2 packages of string cheese
1 package of low-fat wheat tortillas
All of this for $63.42, which is $21.14 a person.
This doesn't include everything I need for my week, but that's because I already have feta, brown rice, chicken, salmon, potatoes, fat-free Greek yogurt, peanut butter, etc. But most people carry over things to the next week if they get a good sale the week before. Besides, you could add a raw or pre-cooked chicken for $5 or less and you'd still be under $29/person/week.
I shopped at a local fruit stand (for you locals, it's the one on Coachman and Old Coachman by the railroad tracks) and Walmart. I typically avoid Walmart, but it was nearby and I needed some other things. If I had shopped at Aldi for the things the fruit stand didn't have, I would have saved even more.
My meals for the week:
Monday: leftovers from family dinner on Sunday
Tuesday: grilled salmon kebabs (Gorton's salmon-- I get on BOGO at Publix + coupons) with lemon and roasted red potatoes
Wednesday: Tex Mex chicken salad and leftover potatoes
Thursday: roasted veggie pizzas
Friday: Sriracha lime chicken chopped salad and rice
Saturday: leftovers
Sunday: family dinner
I will use the eggs, extra veggies, bread, and spaghetti squash for lunches and breakfasts.
Mike and I are also attempting to do Weight Watchers, and all of these recipes are Weight Watchers adaptable.
So... I think Gwyneth Paltrow and co. are either very out-of-touch, not creative, or not willing to go somewhere besides Whole Foods to get their groceries.
Tell me about your weekly groceries and menu! How are you creative to keep costs down?
xoxo, A
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