You're a Good Mom

I've been silent for a while because life has been out of control!! Just when I was in a comfortable routine with Isabel, life changed. We packed up and moved out of our little condo, where we had made a home for the last year; where we had brought our baby home. We moved into a house for which we'd been praying for three years. I started watching a 1.5 month old cutie for four hours a day... he is now 3 months old! Life has gotten busy. And then of course, there's the fact that being a stay-at-home mom is really hard- way harder than I'd expected, but equally rewarding.

Since my last post, my child is now almost 7 months old! She has two teeth, loves food, is sitting well, and is showing signs of wanting to crawl. Where did the time go?!

In my silence,  I've been able to ponder some issues that pertain to motherhood (and really life in general). One issue particularly twists my undies: the pseudo-expert, holier-than-thou mommies who shame other mommies. If there is one thing I've learned in seven months, it's what I've  already stated: motherhood is hard. You would think that would cause women to band together and encourage one another in this journey. Rather, it's quite the opposite. If you don't do things the way these moms feel is best, you're a bad mom. Here are some examples:

If you put anything with fragrance on your baby's skin, you are giving them cancer.
If you work instead of stay at home, you're neglecting your child.
If you feed your child any purees or, heaven forbid, rice cereal before six months  (even though most doctors say you can attempt at four), you will make your child obese/give them diabetes.
If you let your child cry in its crib, you will damage its brain (what do you do in the car when they cry? Just wondering...)
And my favorite: if your child isn't exclusively nursing from the breast, you are an inferior woman or mom.

I have heard or read every one of those listed.

I mean, there are some legitimate things that most would agree are best for baby. But most of what I listed have so many different factors involved that it is impossible to make blanket statements, and they are plain and simply none of our business anyway, and certainly not our responsibility  to "correct."

I'm a mom who exclusively pumps. Isabel latched great from day one, but because of her size, I was told she needed to stop nursing in order to not lose weight (from burning calories). Because of that, Isabel got choosy about nursing. Since I could make enough breast milk, I decided I'd push myself to provide that for her for as long as I could.

There are some women who really look down on those who bottle feed, even if what they are feeding is pumped milk. Ridiculous. Who do you think you are, some kind earth mother goddess woman? No, you're not. You're a woman whose baby happened to be able to latch and suck correctly and whose milk supply has no issues. You're fortunate, is all. Anything more than that gives yourself way too much credit. The truth is, no matter how many times some moms consult a lactation consultant and drink fenugreek tea, breast feeding might not work for them. You know what's worse than not nursing? Being completely stressed out and frustrated with your child. The best advice I got regarding nursing was that my daughter needed a happy mom more than she needed to nurse. So I decided to exclusively pump. It is not easy. At all. You know what made it harder? Things like a La Leche article that told me that I had caused Isabel's breast aversion. How dare they. I mean really. How dare they?! I didn't need to read that garbage. What I did need was people validating that nursing is hard and not as natural as you'd think, and encouraging me that making this decision was better for my baby than forcing her to nurse.

And how about the moms who only feed, clothe, and bathe their child with organic materials? That's great that they can afford to do that. If I could, I would. But when they shame other moms who can't afford it, that is not appropriate. What that really says is "Because you're poor, you're an inferior mom." My child wears normal cotton clothes, bathes in Johnson & Johnson, wears disposable diapers, eats regular, pureed veggies and fruit, and gasp-- even some jarred stuff! Why? Because that's what I can afford. And you know what sticking to a budget makes me? A good mom.

So can we just stop shaming each other? Can we stop looking down our noses at moms who can't manage the "perfect" Pinterest life, or the moms who don't make the same decisions we do? Can we look at each other with a knowing glance and say, "Good job. You're a good mom. Your child is happy, healthy, clean, and well-adjusted. You're a good mom."

So I don't nurse, I can't afford anything organic, I sleep-trained my baby, I let my child occasionally watch the TV when it's on, and I stay at home instead of being the do-it-all-supermom. But I'm a good mom because my child loves me and loves life. She is healthy and strong, growing stronger. And chances are, you're a good mom too.


xoxo, A

Baby Update

This is for those who never hear about my pregnancy. I try not to be obnoxious about it. So here's your baby update.

I'm 27 weeks now, nearing the end of my second trimester. I can feel Baby Girl kicking throughout the day. I must admit, at first, I wasn't sure if I liked the feeling. It was alien and intrusive. There were just organs in my body and now there was a human being, poking me from the inside. While the miracle of life certainly beautiful and I'm very thankful for it, let's not pretend that it isn't weird.

But now, I find it comforting. I've gotten used to it, and it reminds me that she's okay in there.

Some of my friends who don't have children yet might wonder what this feels like. I will tell you. It isn't like people told me: little ticklings from the inside, magical little bumps, like baby unicorns prancing in your uterus... okay maybe nobody explained it that way, but they do explain it with that postpartum fondness that somehow erases all things bizarre, uncomfortable, or gross about pregnancy.

I vowed to never have postpartum rose-colored glasses, but it's already started. I do remember feeling gross all the time for about a month or so in my first trimester... but I don't really remember how bad it was. That's God's grace, I'm sure. And it must be the same grace that puts those rose-colored glasses on after childbirth, too. But I digress.

Baby kicks. They feel like that horrifying gurgling that happens in your gut shortly before you spend some quality time in the bathroom. I'm sorry if that's totally crass, but that's really what it feels like a lot of the time, at least until the baby gets bigger. That's probably why women often mistake the feeling for gas at the beginning. When they get a little bigger, well-- it feels exactly like what you'd think it would feel like if something the size of a head of lettuce with elbows and feet were squirming around inside your belly.

I just started seeing her move from the outside of my belly, and that's even weirder. Thankfully (and this may be the only time I've preceded a statement about my fat with the word "thankfully") I have layers of padding to hopefully prevent this:

{source}

*shudder.*

That's really all that's happening on the baby front right now. I'm still sleeping okay, but I find myself very hungry, very often.

And I find that the belly rubbing I used to make fun of all the time is something I do now. It's instinctive. Besides the fact that my belly kind of itches, it's the closest I can come to giving physical affection to Baby Girl, and it also shows others that there's a baby in there and it's not just fat. Don't judge me.

I've got plans for the nursery, but there isn't much I can do at the moment without extra time and extra help. Fortunately, my parents and brother will be here next week and there will be a flurry of activity! Stay tuned for pictures when it's all done.

And stay tuned, because this is my last week in my twenties. I'm pretty sure I'll have to write about entering my thirties. I'll need the therapeutic outlet.


xoxo, A

It's a Girl!

It's a girl. :)

After waiting for what seemed like forever but was actually 15 weeks, we finally got to find out the gender of our little one.

I don't know if there has ever been a time where I've waited with as much anticipation. It was different from moving or getting married, because there was nothing I could do about it. I've heard it said that finding out the gender of your child is one of the few true surprises in your life, and I can say with certainty that it's true. It didn't matter what old wives' tale I heard-- there was no way for us to know until that ultrasound.

As I drove to my appointment, I thought about what I would want to teach my child, depending on its gender. If it would be a boy, I'd want to teach him to respect women, keep his eyes, mind, and body pure, and to be a diligent worker. If it would be a girl, I'd want to teach her to be comfortable with her body, have a strong, witty mind, and respect herself.

I felt such nervous anticipation! Honestly, Mike and I thought it might be a boy. I don't have any reason for that, and not even that motherly hunch some get. We just thought it might be. And truthfully, we hoped for that, because we want to make sure the Arbia name carries on. We were excited and prepared for either, however, knowing that the child we have is the precise child God has picked out for us.

We saw her cute little profile, and it kind of took my breath away. The last time I saw her, she was a tiny little gummy bear with wiggling legs. Now-- now she really looked like a little person. The technician called her strong and scrappy. She showed us her working heart, strong spine, and how she'd grab her feet with ten little toes. We thought she'd never tell us. Until she did.

I grabbed Mike's hand and my eyes started to tear up. I didn't make a sound, but somehow the technician knew. She passed me a tissue. I couldn't help but get misty eyed: we could finally call our baby "she," which is infinitely more real than "it." And she is ours.

I'm halfway through the pregnancy now. It's nice to have direction, not just for planning purposes, but for dreaming purposes. Dreaming of this little girl and who she'll be, what she'll look like, what I'll teach her... now it feels real.

I'm sorry for the post entirely about the baby, but wow... I just had to share today's emotions.
xoxo, A

The Truths That Changed Us

All my life, I've had great ambitions. I've wanted to be a missionary to the ignored Europeans. I've wanted to be a famous fashion designer, an interior designer, and an actress. I still want to become a published writer. Some of those ambitions became reality: I became a teacher. I got married. And now, I'm going to be a mom. The two constant ambitions that never changed were becoming a wife and a mom. Though this world typically scoffs at a woman who chooses to invest her life in her husband and children, writing her off as naive, uncultured, uneducated, and wasteful, I think it is a high calling. It's not an investment in the economy or the arts (and those are wonderful, too); it's an investment in the future, and as a believer in Jesus Christ, it's an investment in eternity, too.

Just after I got married, however, the thought of having children literally made my stomach turn. I was (perhaps selfishly) perfectly content with just Mike and me. I loved our little, comfy life. Deep down, I still wanted kids, but not for a LONG TIME. Then we got a dog, and suddenly I had responsibilities. God started to change my heart and little by little, the idea of possibly having a child with my husband became an exciting (and scary) thought. I wasn't fully sold though. It never seemed like the "right time." I know what everyone tells you: "You'll never be financially ready." "There's never a good time or the right time to have kids." But I didn't want to be foolish. We both had steady jobs and a place to live, but those steady jobs brought in barely enough to live on, we lived in a one-bedroom apartment, and we were still paying off debt. But then suddenly God gave me a different perspective. While indeed there is a time and season for everything, and I'm a firm believer in learning how to simply be married before learning how to be married AND be a parent, God helped me see things from a more biblical perspective than the phrase, "we're waiting until the time is right." 

As I understand it, the Bible gives us three truths that apply to the question, "when should we have kids?" 

1. Our relationship to our husband/wife needs to be second only to our relationship with God.

2. Children are a gift from the Lord.

3. God promises to meet all of our NEEDS. 

Those simple truths helped Mike and me come to the decision that maybe we should just see what God has in store. Our relationship was solid, so knowing the other two truths helped us take that leap. And once we took a deep breath and decided to open ourselves up to the possibility of kids, a whole new ballgame began.

It was time to play the "what if" game. What if I'm too old? What if I have trouble getting pregnant? What if this process takes years and then I'm really too old? What if it simply doesn't happen? I found one other Biblical truth very helpful:

1. God is sovereign.

It could take years to get pregnant, or it could never happen. I didn't take it for granted. I know that every time a child is conceived, it is indeed a miracle, and I don't mean that in a trite way. So many things have to happen at the right time, in the right way for that life to begin. And then it's another miracle for that child to grow and survive in the womb. Never did I think it was a given that once we decided to have children, it would happen quickly and easily. I was prepared for the long haul.

And then God surprised me.

He decided not to have us wait; that wouldn't be our trial this time. For some, that's their trial with God and one way God is shaping them into His image. For us, it will be (and has been) other things. Five weeks after deciding to "see what happens," this happened:

This picture is precious to me, because I had literally, minutes before, found out that a miracle had happened. You can see the tears in my eyes and the surprised/happy/terrified look on my face. At this moment, God and I were the only ones who knew about this little life. Mike was at work at Publix and I was home alone, drenched in sweat because our AC had broken. It had been an awful day, and I took the test only because (in my bad attitude), I thought it would be one more reason to have a bad day, since I was sure it would be negative. In the past, I waited the full 2 minutes and squinted, just to be sure there was no vertical line. This time, that sucker showed right up. I didn't realize that there really can't be false positives on these tests, so I may or may not have taken two more, just to make sure.

Guess it was for sure. It was surreal, because I really hadn't thought it would happen so quickly. It was terrifying, because how were we going to be parents?! It was sweet, because God had done a miracle.

And now, I'm 16.5 weeks in. God has seen fit to sustain this baby thus far, and we are grateful. Nervous, still, but we know these truths, as well:
1. We have no reason to be terrified, since God is for us.
2. God has given us everything we need for life and godliness. That must include becoming parents.

Amazing how simple life becomes when we rest in the truths God has given us.

I don't know where you're at: maybe you're disinclined to have children for the same reasons we were. Maybe you want them but it's "not the right time." Maybe you deeply desire to have children but God hasn't chosen to allow that yet. Maybe you're going through the heartache of losing a child. Maybe you're in the process of adopting a child. Maybe your quiver is full of children. And maybe you're still waiting for the one that God has for you to share your life with and possibly have children with. Wherever you are, I hope that what my journey so far has shown you is that trusting these truths about God (and all the truths in His Word) help us to submit to His will and endure (and enjoy) whatever it is He has planned for us: whatever blessings or trials that are a part of our unique stories.

xoxo, A

Name That (Nonexistent) Baby!

School started up again.  You should have guessed that, based on my absence here.  I've got to get my head above water at school before I can start treading water over here.  Sorry!  But I was inspired today, after reading on of my favorite blogs.  The Pioneer Woman has it all.  I want to be her, really, but not in Oklahoma so much.  She's not pregnant, but listed her favorite baby names.  I am also not pregnant, but I wish to do the same.

Oh baby names.  I remember writing you down when my mind drifted during sermons when I was a teenager.  There's just something about names I've always loved.  When I'd try to write a story that I would inevitably never finish, I spent the most time carefully constructing character names.  It was the same way when I played Barbies.

And names are so subjective!  People have violent reactions to names they dislike, and find themselves enraptured with names they enjoy.  Weird, the power names have.  Maybe that's why in the Bible, names were so significant.

So here are the names I love.  Follwing that are the names Hband and I have actually agreed upon (it's a much shorter list).  But sometimes I wonder, when I actually do have a child... will they fit one of these names or need something entirely different?

GIRLS:
Genevieve-- I've loved this name for years.  It was my great-grandmother's name on my Mom's side, and my great-aunt's name on my dad's side.  I've always thought it was so feminine and beautiful.  I wouldn't shorten it to Gen, but definitely Eve or Evie.

Isabel-- I don't like Isabella as much, though it is pretty.  I'd never want anyone calling my daughter Bella, that dim-witted psycho/stalker/clingy chick from Twilight.  But Izzy is cute.  Isabel makes me think of a dark beauty from the Mediterranean.  Which, if my daughter has my husband's swarthiness, could be accurate.

Lena (Lee-nuh), or maybe Evangelina--  My dad's grandmother, I think, was Lena, and I think it's sweet and simple and lovely.  Plus, it's a hint of his name: Len. 

Gray--  I could never use this name now.  Not since Fifty Shades of Gray came out.  Gross.  But otherwise, it was a strong, pretty name that made me think of autumn and everything cozy.

Liberty-- I'm an all-American girl.  I think this is a cute and unique name.

Tzipporah-- I love how exotic this Old Testament names is.  It rolls of your tongue, and I guess I picture another dark beauty.

Gioia (Jzoy-uh)-- This word is Italian for joy (Hband is Italian), which is adorable, but also my Nana's name.

BOYS:
Israel--  I just love this name.  It's so meaningful, but it's also strong and interesting, and unlike most common names.

Judah-- I always thought it would be kind of funny/mean to name two sons Israel and Judah, but Judah is so nice, and I've loved it for years and years, before lots of my friends started naming their sons Judah. :( haha.  Plus, I could shorten it to Jude and have an excuse to sing him a Beatles song.

Eli-- This one is short and sweet, but strong and just, well, cool-sounding.

Justice-- OK, a kid name Justice is going to be legend... wait for it... dary. 

Gray--  I like this for a boy, too.  It's strong and cozy.

AGREED UPON:
Joseph Michael Len-- I like the two middle names idea.  It can pack more punch.  Joseph is Hband's dad's name, Michael is Hband's name, and Len is my dad's name.

Isabel something something-- hahaha, we like Isabel.  Well, he likes Isabella, but gross-- no BELLA!

Genevieve something something-- Hband said, "Can I call her Evie?" Hahaha cute.

Eli something something-- he'll have to have some long middle names to round it all out.

So, call me silly if you want to, but I still love names.  What names do you like, even if you're done having kids?  And hey... don't steal my names. ;-) Kidding.  Sort of.






xoxo, A

Photo Saturday: Baby Photography

I had the privilege of taking another baby photo shoot-- this time at 3.5 months.  It's a little harder when they're older; they move more!  Even so, it was a joy to take pictures of little Emma and watch her many faces.  Enjoy!

Is there anything more lovely than a mama and her baby?  Nope. :)

xoxo, A