Thoughts for Thursday: Essential Awkward Years

Well, I'm a little late in the game, but better late than never, I sometimes or hardly ever say.

These thoughts have been brewing for a while now.  As a teacher of 6th-12th grade students, I feel that I am especially aware of this issue.

I want you to think back to your awkward years.  That is, of course, unless you are still experiencing them; in which case you have my sympathy.  Think back.  My awkward years were from about age 9 until age 18, and then kind of again sporadically in college, but not quite as extreme.  If you're like most people, your awkward years were somewhere around those ages too, and they were terrible.  Maybe you didn't even feel that awkward at the time, but when you look back in your parents' photo albums, you cringe.  And not just because of the fashion.  We have to set fashion aside here, folks.  Awkwardness is enhanced by fashion, but it is ultimately intrinsic, because you could stick an un-awkward teen in ugly clothes and they could work those rags like nobody's business.

Let us examine this photo.  I'm pretty sure this was around my freshman year of college.  Ignore the horrible wash of baggy jeans, the baggy GAP sweatshirt with the TURTLENECK underneath (*shudder*).  My face has not become set in its bone structure and therefore has little shape but a very pointy chin.  There is uneven redness throughout the face, the eyebrows have never been plucked and lack shape, and the eyelashes have not discovered Maybelline Colossal mascara yet.  Also, the "bangs" are wavy, out of control with the cowlick, and there is zero volume.  Plus, what a nerd-- two cats on my lap.  Hahaha.

I'm not obsessed with outward appearance, but by pretty much anybody's standards, this girl looks awkward (and these are the later years... you should see around age 10!).  Yet I will say without a doubt, I wouldn't have it any other way.  If I could go back and completely change my looks and habits and erase the awkwardness from my past, I wouldn't do it.  Why, you ask?

Because I am a firm believer that the awkward years are essential for positive character development.

Not sure what I mean?  Let me illustrate with the opposite.  As a teacher, I see lots of adolescents each day.  There are still many who are awkward and grow out of it, and some who stay awkward forever.  But far and wide, I've noticed something today that's different from when I grew up.  Most adolescent girls don't go through the awkward years anymore.

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I sometimes see 6th graders who are more gorgeous and glamorous than I am at 28 (maybe that's not hard to do...).  Most of the tween and teen girls I see are.  They're beautiful, and obviously spend a lot of time on their hair, makeup, and clothing.  I don't necessarily think they're bred prettier these days; I just think more is influencing them and more tools are available to them.  There isn't anything wrong with a 6th grader dressing nicely and putting on some lip gloss and doing her hair nicely.  I'm not saying that adolescent girls should ignore their physical appearance.  I'm just noting a marked change in adolescent girls today from back in my day.  Because I certainly was not the only awkward girl in my classes.

What I see in many of the girls today who haven't had to go through the awkward years is they begin dating early and attract a lot of male attention from the get-go, and that only increases as the years go by.  They never have to rely on anything besides their looks to get attention, and therefore they learn that their looks alone will get the attention they crave.  Their minds and souls sometimes atrophy as their physical appearance  is doted upon.  

I was usually too shy to actually do this, but if I wanted to get a guy's attention during my awkward years, the way I'd do it was to be really funny, or really smart, or really nice; those things got me noticed-- maybe only as a friend, but it was better than nothing!  And being awkward didn't hurt my self-esteem or give me some kind of complex.  Rather, it developed my mind, my sense of humor, and my relationship with God.  I couldn't count on my looks; I had to trust in God and use the gifts he gave me.  I think that's something that girls who skip their awkward years miss.  And I kind of wish they wouldn't.  

I believe every girl needs some span of awkward years before their beauty "unfolds."  I pray that if I ever have a daughter, her awkward years last just long enough that she develops her mind and soul, and when she becomes beautiful on the outside, that it would just be a tiny sliver of how beautiful her insides are.  

Just a thought.

xoxo, A

Thoughts for Thursday: Joy-Robber

Take a look at this picture.

Take it all in.  Aside from my freakish laughing horse-face, do you see anything... off... in this picture?

Look more closely at the cake.  That was our wedding cake, with our topper below, on the table (a gorgeous Irish porcelain figurine).  We ordered a simple cake with whipped frosting, to be applied in a sort of messy way-- not polished looking, anyway.  But somehow in transport, our cake got lumpy, and it couldn't support our cake topper anymore.

The friend who transported the cake was beside herself.  What she didn't know is I was so, so thankful for her help, and so, so glad I didn't have to worry about the cake that day, that the state of my $20 Publix wedding cake was not going to upset me.

Notice our faces.  We clearly were not upset.  I found it hilarious, actually, that we were cutting our wedding "lump."

But I use this picture to illustrate a point I've been thinking about.  It would be easy to look at this picture and think, my wedding cake wasn't as good as so-and-so's.  I feel bad about it.  I wish I had had this.  I wish I had had that.  The day wasn't perfect because of this detail, and that bugs me.  Maybe that's a silly illustration, but I know I can't be alone in the comparison game.  As prideful people and sometimes perfectionists, maybe you (like me) want your everything to be "the best," and you find yourself constantly comparing yourself/things to others, making sure you measure up.

Why?  Why do I do that?  I didn't do it with my wedding cake, so it must be possible to stop doing, right?  I have found that comparison, as I've written before (don't know where I first heard this) kills your joy, kills your contentment.  Constant comparison of anything only makes you unhappy with your life as it stands and unable to find joy in the moment.

I've been thinking about this because I have this problem when it comes to different parts of my life, and I hate it.  It's so prideful and it's so wrong to be discontent with any part of this blessed life God has given me.  Confession: while I love wedding blogs that feature gorgeous weddings, I get slightly jealous that I hadn't gotten married on a boat/in the woods/in the city/on a rooftop or whatever.  I also love wedding photography, and while my photographer was both very talented and a great deal, I sometimes think, why didn't I get pictures like THAT?!  Another confession: my husband is fantastic.  But sometimes I compare him to what I think he should be doing, and it makes me discontent.  Why isn't he telling me I look pretty enough?  He doesn't bring me flowers.  He must be unhappy.  These confessions are hard for me to own up to, because they're embarrassing.

But they're real.  I think it's a natural, human, sinful instinct to compare yourself to others and either pridefully believe you're better, or to become discontent and wish for something else/better.  That strips life of joy.  Joy is peace and contentment whatever one's circumstances might be.  My life is far too wonderful to even begin to wish for something else/better (for the record, I don't want something else/better when it comes to my husband... he simply is THE best. :) ).  If I spent less time wanting what I think is better, perhaps I'd be more satisfied with what I have, and therefore better able to serve Christ as a wife, teacher, and friend.  After all, God's Word tells us that godliness with contentment is great gain.

So I'm thinking I'm going to apply the wedding "lump" approach to life.  Take whatever I have and enjoy it for what it is, not what it isn't or what it could be, and laugh along the way.  God's in control and everything is as it should be anyway, so I may as well not fret and strive for something else.  I don't want to let comparison rob me of my joy in each moment that God gives me.

How about you?

xoxo, A

Thoughts for Thursday: Singleness Stuff

I have a lot to say about singleness.  Oh boy do I ever.  And you're not allowed to discount it, thinking, Easy for her to say-- she's married.  Because I've been there, done that.  And I remember it very clearly. 

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to speak to some lovely girls at my church's Crossroads discipleship for women.  Most of them were single, though with varied backgrounds.  I was nervous to speak, because I didn't know many of them very well, if at all.  Would they care what I had to say?  Would they discount it because I'm married now and they didn't know me when I was single?  But I knew God had brought the opportunity, and I took it.  Turns out, it was as much a blessing for me as it was for anyone else.  Reviewing my struggles as a single woman reminded me of God's faithfulness in my life, and I needed that.

But I know there are other single women out there who weren't at that little meeting a few Sundays ago.  So I thought I'd include a condensed version of "singleness stuff" here for you, if you want it. 

It's still my goal to someday write a book on the journey of singleness I took and what it taught me.  Because I firmly believe that up to this point in my life, it was the one thing God used most to change me.  Maybe that's where you're at, too. 

Here goes:

Starting with some verses, here are some you should never forget, as a single person, married person, widowed person-- whatever:

Proverbs 16:9: "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."
Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight."
Psalm 27:13-14: "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; be strong, take heart, and wait for the Lord."
Philippians 4:8: "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-- think about such things."

With that established, in no particular order, here are my thoughts:

• Be where you are.  Don't waste your time.  You could waste thousands of brain cells and minutes thinking about what you want and what could be and how you're dissatisfied/discontent.  Not worth it.  Your life will pass you by.
• Be faithful to the Lord wherever you are, and trust him to provide what you need.  Think of Ruth, who trusted God in a foreign land to take care of her and her mother-in-law.  She was faithful to do what God wanted her to do-- take care of Naomi-- and she was singularly focused on doing what he required.  She was where she was supposed to be, faithfully working for the Lord.  And God caused Boaz to notice her.  She wasn't looking for anyone or any attention.  But God opened Boaz's eyes and worked it all out.
• Study the character of God to love and trust him more.  When you see more and more how faithful, good, just, trustworthy, and loving God is, it will make it easier to trust him.
• As you learn to love God more, grow your relationship with him.  Delight yourself in who he is and what he's done, and as promised, he will give you the desires of your heart.  This doesn't mean he'll give you what you want; this means his desires will become yours.
• Know what you want in a future spouse and don't compromise.  As a sweet old lady who always called me on my birthday said, "Don't settle for second best."  It's true.  Don't ever get in to the settling mindset, like Liz Lemon and Wesley Snipes (the Brit, not the movie star)... that's for you "30 Rock" fans.  But seriously, pick three things or so that are the most important to you, and do not even consider dating someone who doesn't match up to those.  For me, it was that he'd love Jesus more than anything else, be able to make me laugh, and I'd find him attractive.  There were other things that were important to me, too, but those were my non-negotiables.  Yes, it's possible one could grow to find someone attractive, but I was convinced God wouldn't have me be with someone I ever found to be unattractive.  Just saying.
• BUT, as Hband reminded me, "you won't find Jesus."  So remember that even your dream guy will be a human sinner and will have flaws.  Maybe lots of them.
• If being single makes you sad, let it out.  Then move on.  Seriously, cry if you need to.  God gave us tear ducts for a reason.  But do move on.  Maybe journal and leave it there, but don't wallow in your sadness or it becomes self-pity.  How do you move on?  Remind yourself of the truth in God's Word.
• Do your future husband good ALL the days of your life, as Proverbs 31 says.  That means even before you meet him, you should be conducting yourself in a way that will do him good.  Don't mess around with other guys.  Don't do embarrassing things and put them on the Internet.  Learn skills that will help you do him good later, like cooking and cleaning.
• We don't live in Hollywood land, the land of rom-coms.  Don't expect that.  Your relationship and any part of it will most of the time not match up to a Nicholas Sparks movie.  He probably won't say the right thing most of the time.  He probably won't bring you flowers or sweep you off your feet enough to be leading man material.  The list goes on.  Appreciate him when he comes for what he is: a friend and someone who loves you and wants to push you closer to Christ.  Who is also very good looking.  What could be better?!
• Dating/marriage is not an if/then situation.  I hated when people would say "Once I submitted my will to Christ, I found the man I was going to marry!"  As if God's will was contingent upon something they did.  No.  God's will doesn't work like that.  Yes, submit your will to Christ, but don't expect it to be a magic potion.  Don't think, "If I do ____________, he will finally come into my life!"  Wrong motives are not exactly blessed by God.
• Your story is unique to you and perfected by God.  Don't want what someone else has, because your story is just yours.  I read somewhere that comparison kills contentment.
• If you have prayed that God make you content and take away the desire to be married if it's not from Him, and that desire remains, then it is probably God-given and you will probably be married someday.  That was a wonderful encouragement from my pastor once when I was really struggling.
• Be content where you are.  You'll never have this time of singleness again-- a time to be fully-devoted to ministry and travel and do whatever you want to do without being accountable to anyone but God (and I guess the government).  Enjoy your singleness.  Don't just endure it.
• Don't even think about dating anyone unless you could consider marrying them.  Why waste your precious time and emotions, or risk getting serious with someone who won't bring you closer to Christ?  
• Be encouraged!  Be excited for God's plan for you-- be excited for the future and what is to come; it will only get better.

And remember this: much of the advice I have for singleness also applies to marriage.  Never, ever think that marriage is a fix-it, or a cure to any kind of problem.  Whatever you struggle with before the ring, you will struggle with after, and maybe even more so, because now you've brought another person into that struggle.  The only thing that changes when you walk back up that aisle is you've got a ring and God sees you as one.  Otherwise, you're the same person.  Marriage doesn't fix anything.  It's just a blessing that takes work. :)

xoxo, A

Thoughts for Thursday: Marriage Conference

We've only been married about four months, and we've attended our first marriage conference.  And it was awesome.  It was the first one our church, Lakeside Community Chapel, has put on.  It was taught by elders, and lots of church couples came, and even some singles and engaged couples, which was great to see.  It's never too soon to start getting a right perspective on marriage and good advice! 

The theme was "The Gospel-Centered Marriage."  With a theme like that, you know it's going to be intense.  And it was.  It wasn't your run-of-the-mill marriage conference that just tells husbands to give their wives love and wives to give their husbands respect, and leave it at that.  This was saturated in Scripture, and the overarching theme I heard in each session was this: you can't control what your spouse says or does.  You can't change them.  All you can control is your words and actions and make sure they are obedient to Scripture and pleasing to the Lord.  That is what is required. 

If marriage is supposed to reflect the beautiful, unconditional love of Christ for the Church, then we must not make our love for our spouses conditional.  "I would submit to him if he would just lead me in a godly way!"  or "I would do what he asks if he would just tell me he loves me now and then!"  Nope.  That's just not how it's supposed to be.  Ideally, if you're in a godly marriage with a spouse who claims to know the Lord, then the Holy Spirit will be working on them and changing them.  But newsflash: you married a sinner, and so did your spouse.  So when (not if) your spouse is sinning, it is not up to you to change them or deprive them of a godly spouse until they repent.  You are to still do what is required of you, even if your spouse isn't doing what's required of them.  Not fair, you say?  You're right.  But neither is salvation.  And I'm really glad for that.

It's easy to submit to our husbands when they are making wise decisions and considering our feelings and loving us how we want to be loved.  But when they make a selfish decision or make a rude comment or hurt our feelings, we are still required to submit.  Because ultimately, we are accountable to God for how we respond to our husbands, and if I trust God with my soul, then I trust him to work in my husband and make things right.  

It always boils down to trust, doesn't it?

I don't want to sound preachy; I'm learning this too.  Not that Hband is not a good leader or anything like that, but we each have our weaknesses, and when his show up, it makes it harder to be the kind of wife I'm supposed to be (and I know that works both ways-- when my weaknesses rear their ugly heads, I know it can't be easy for Hband).  So this was a great reminder of what marriage is supposed to be.

Imagine if the unbelieving world could see a marriage in which the husband and wife love unconditionally and show each other respect and servanthood, all the days of their lives... what a testimony to the Lord and what His love is like (only his is amplified a millionfold).  I want that kind of testimony in my marriage.

xoxo, A

Thoughts for Thursday: My Epitaph

Not to be dark and dreary, but have you ever thought about what you'd have written on your tombstone?  When I was little, because of Halloween decorations I used to think that every tombstone had to say how that person died.  So, being a klutzy child, I was afraid I'd die in an embarrassing way, and then it would be recorded for the rest of Earth's days.  Maybe something like:

"Here lies Amanda.  She died of asphyxiation on the toilet."  or "RIP Amanda.  She rolled her ankle one too many times, and this time into traffic."

I don't know why I thought that.  What got me thinking unseasonably about epitaphs was a chapter I read in Slave by John MacArthur.  I'm going through the book with a dear friend (we've gone through many, and each one kicks our butts!), and we were reading about John Newton, the runaway/slave trader turned minister/song writer.  Think you don't know who he is?  Think again; if you've ever sung "Amazing Grace," you've sung one of his hymns.  His live was a powerful example of God's sovereign plan and grace, and if you haven't read about him, I encourage you to do so.  According to the book, his epitaph read like so:

JOHN NEWTON, Clerk

once an Infidel and Libertine,

a Servant of Slaves in Africa,

was, by the rich mercy

of our Lord and Saviour

JESUS CHRIST,

preserved, restored, pardoned,

and appointed to preach the faith

he had long laboured to destroy

Beautiful, isn't it?  But so humble and so rich in truth.  It made me think about what I'd want etched on my tombstone.  Nothing about just me, because anything I am or have is due to Christ.  I'd like it to be a final, permanent testimony to Jesus' sacrifice and work in my life; a way for me tell others about salvation from "beyond the grave."  Well at least, quite literally, from the grave.  And if that's what I want my tombstone to say, I'd better make sure I'm living that now. 

Perhaps this is too dark for a Thursday, but I think it's important.  It's important to think about what kind of legacy we want to leave-- not just what we etch in stone, but what we leave behind as memories of our conduct, as testimonies to our God.  I hope mine is something a little like Newton's.  What about you?

xoxo, A

Thoughts for Thursday: Let it Be.

Not only is "Let it Be" a fave Beatles song of mine, it's also something I'm trying (desperately) to practice.  Not in some existential, mantra-ish kind of New-Agey way, if that makes any kind of sense, but in a "loosen your freaking grip on everything, Amanda," kind of way.  


Like yesterday.  I was already a day late in my cleaning and checking my finances, due to Hband's bday on Monday, but Bestie was in town because Bestie Jr. had her baby (pictures to come), and she had time to hang out with me.  So we sat on my couches and talked and laughed and poured out our hearts like the old days.  The laundry didn't get done, the kitchen didn't get cleaned, and the clothes stayed on my bedroom floor.  But you know what?  The sky didn't fall.  I enjoyed relaxing and trying to loosen my grip on that day.


Hband says I don't roll with anything very well, and he's probably right.  I'm as flexible as they come in my classroom, because I just have to be.  But at home, that's not the case.


Today, I still had that cleaning to do.  But I wanted to spend time with my niece, because hey-- she's only three days old once. :)  So I cleaned the clothes off the floor and did the laundry, but the kitchen really can wait another day.


There's no use putting pressure on myself to be Donna Reed when Donna Reed didn't have to work 10 hours in a day and then do all her wifey stuff, and still look pretty.  I'm just going to try to slow it down and try to let it be.  Try to live in the moment.  Try to just roll with it.


We'll see how that  goes.  But for now I'm more relaxed than I've been for a while.  You should try it, it's nice.


xoxo, A

Thoughts for Thursday: Verbal Affirmation

I sometimes laugh when "love languages" are discussed.  It's not that I necessarily disagree with the concept, but sometimes love languages are used as pat answers or sound trite.  But the more time goes by and the more I learn about myself, I realize there are specific ways I feel love more than others.  One of those is verbal affirmation.  I like to hear that I'm loved in conjunction with the knowledge that I am loved.  I like to hear that I look nice today instead of just assuming Hband likes the way I've done my hair.


The funny thing about love languages is that not only do we have certain ways we like to receive love; we also have certain ways we like to show love.  And Hband does not always show love by verbal affirmation.  He shows it in so many other ways, and I never doubt his affection.  


But in the three months we've been married, I've realized a problem.  It's not necessarily Mike's problem, but it's mine.  I feel this need to know that I'm loved, desired, appreciated. etc, and I want to hear it.  While that's normal, and not necessarily bad, I know the root of this is pride.  


And it's not in Hband's job description to feed my ego and coddle my pride.  Besides-- if I need affirmation and words that tell me I'm worthwhile, loved, and pretty, I know where I really need to go: the Word.


God tells me I'm beautiful-- Psalm 139
God tells me I'm loved-- John 3:16
God tells me I'm worth it-- Romans 5:8


And that's just the beginning.  That's just the tiniest peak of the iceberg.


This is another illustration of how marriage is designed to reflect the relationship between Christ and the church-- the love and affirmation that a husband might give his wife is only a taste of the love and affirmation given by Christ to his followers.


Of course, he also kicks my butt, too-- but that's for another day. :)




xoxo, A

Thoughts for Thursday: I am NOT the Holy Spirit

And now we come to Thoughts for Thursday. Enjoy the thoughts: 

It's really easy to spot sin in others, isn't it?  It's not hard to determine when someone else is being impatient, letting their anger take control, acting selfishly, or being prideful.  Of course, identifying those sins in our own lives is a little more difficult.  That in and of itself is an indication of pride.

Regardless, if you spend any amount of time in close quarters with another individual, you'll see their sin and quickly.  It doesn't matter if they're your roommate, your sibling, or your spouse; no matter how much you love them, and no matter how wonderful they are, they are going to sin and you are going to see it.

And if you're anything like I am, you're going to want them to fix it.  Maybe it's for the right reasons-- because you want to see them overcome their sin and grow in their relationship with the Lord, ever maturing into the individual God wants them to become.  Or maybe sometimes it's a more selfish reason-- you want them to be as perfect as possible so your environment can be as perfect as possible and your life will be easier.

Well that's a whole other bag of worms, isn't it?

Hband doesn't sin any more than I do, or even any differently than I do, but I've found myself in an argument with him more times than I'd like, sometimes because I've identified sin and won't relent in confronting it until he sees it too.  And admittedly, this argument probably spawns and lingers from my self-righteousness and pride.

Confrontation isn't bad; in fact, if you never confront sin when you see it, that's a problem too.  Woman up and say something in love.  But the problem is my attitude and my unrelenting confrontation.  The problem is, like my wise friend (and soon-to-be-bride) said, "I am not his Holy Spirit."

The Holy Spirit was given as a helper, with the purpose of sanctifying the believer and acting as a guide-- MORE than "conscience," since even unbelievers have a God-given conscience.  He gives believers the ability to actually say "no" to sin.  He is the one who brings conviction that inspires repentance.  That is NOT me.

{John 14:16-18; 16:23-15; Romans 8:5-11, 13-16, 26-27}

My job isn't to relentlessly hound Hband or anyone else until they see their sin and repent.  Why?  Because Hband has the Holy Spirit, and He is working in my husband as much as he is working in me.  It's my responsibility to point out sin in a loving way, but beyond that, it's between him and the Lord.  Instead of all the energy I've spent arguing and convincing, perhaps I should apply that energy to identifying my own sin and repenting of it.

I think it's probably a control thing.  I want to control my environment, and in order to that, I want to control Hband's behavior.  But again, that's not my job.  He has been placed by God as my authority, and one does not argue and relentlessly badger their authority; that is disrespectful.  Besides-- he doesn't do that to me, and I'm JUST as sinful as he.

So... this is something about which I've been thinking over the last couple of days.  I'm working out how I will learn this in a practical way.  Any suggestions?  Do you struggle with this?  What has worked for you?

xoxo, A