The Roller Coaster Ride

This is such a strange time. The waiting. The not knowing. The knowing it's going to happen, but when? But how? The only thing I can compare my feelings to right now, at 39.5 weeks pregnant, is my experiences with roller coasters.

I'm not a huge roller coaster fan in general. I have my favorites because I can trust them to not drop and leave my stomach feet above my head, or make me feel like I'm going to fall straight out of the car. I love Thunder Mountain Railroad at Disney. I trust it and it's a no-fail good time. I like Space Mountain, too, but that's a little scarier since it's in the dark.

But this is how I feel before getting on a new roller coaster that I haven't tried before: I have this nervousness, because I have no idea what's going to happen. As I sit in the car and it click-click-clicks up the hill towards the drop, I know that I can't make this ride stop. I have to follow through. The drop is inevitable-- imminent, even, and it will be both exhilarating and uncomfortable. I will survive this ride, I know in my head, and I may even get in line to get back on the ride once it's over. But while I approach the drop, my anxiety of the when, how, and how awful will it be is all I can actually feel.

And that's what it's like at 39.5 weeks pregnant. I can't get off the ride or make it stop. I have to follow through. But I don't know when or how "the drop" is going to happen, or how exhilarating or awful it will be. But I know I'll survive and I know I'll probaby do it again. Can you tap into the feeling you get waiting for the ride? Do you know what I mean?

It's very strange. I look for every clue that labor might begin. Acid Reflux? Here we go! Nausea? It's go time! And yet here I sit, typing, not in labor, just hoping in a nervous way that we'll get this party started.

Let's hope this is my last post before Little Miss Arbia arrives. And I'll let you know how the roller coaster went.
xoxo, A

How We Got Out of Debt

It’s been done—articles on getting out of debt. I’ve read lots of them. But sometimes, some of the principles didn’t work for me. For example, using cash-only didn’t work for us. We didn’t have military benefits, so that didn’t work. We had to buy a car after I got hit, so we had extra expenses. We don’t own a house, so our rent was much higher than most people’s mortgages. Many of the articles I read included variables that didn’t apply to me. So we did it our way. Perhaps our way will include variables that don’t apply to you, either, but maybe this will be helpful to you. We got married in January of 2012. We are now credit card debt free in May of 2014. In two and a half years, we got rid of a five-figure credit card debt. This was on two Christian school salaries and a part-time job, while still eating, traveling, and living a normal life.

It was important to us to not have debt, first so we could be better stewards of what God has given us, second so we could give more to others, and third because we wanted to start a family. 

So how did we do this? These principles aren’t new, as I said, but they work. I owe getting out of debt to my mom’s financial wisdom, my husband’s hard work and self-control, and God’s gracious provision.

1. BUDGET. Like seriously, don’t wait until the next paycheck. Sit down now and calculate your monthly take home pay after all deductions (taxes, insurance, 401k, etc.). Now subtract your monthly bills that stay the same each month (rent/mortgage, insurance, car payment, cable, etc.). Divide what’s left into categories of your choice. I would suggest you write down every possible category you can think of. Definitely include yearly expenses like car registration, newspaper subscription, Xbox Live account, etc. Those end up just costing a few dollars a month. Don’t forget things that are important to you. For us that was a category for giving (it doesn’t have to be 10%. It can be more or less, but if you’re a believer, you should be giving in proportion to how you’ve been blessed. We try to give first out of our paycheck rather than what’s left over, because we’re very thankful for God’s provision in our life. We believe he’s blessed that faithfulness.) and a category for travel. You can find a sample monthly budget spreadsheet like the one we use HERE (it's a Google Doc. I recommend this because you can use formulas and share the file with your spouse so it can always be accessed [even on-the-go] and edited).
2. Set up auto payment for all your bills that stay the same amount each month (that includes the set amount for the cards you’re paying off), and write into your calendar or phone the day each month that you will pay your other bills that fluctuate each month. Also enter into you calendar or phone reminders to update your checkbook/ledger every week.
3. Pay more than the minimum on your credit cards. Way more. Like as much as you can manage. We spent $700/month to pay down credit card debt. Every bit you pay now is less interest you pay later, so you’re saving money by spending it on paying off debt, if that makes sense. Pay off the card with the highest interest and lowest balance first, snowballing that payment into the next. That means if you have three cards with an outstanding balance, like so:
1. $10,000 with 7% interest
2. $2,000 with 14% interest
3. $6,000 with 9% interest

You would pay the minimum on cards a and c (unless you can do more), but pay much more to card b, to pay it off sooner. Once that’s paid, apply that payment to card c. When that is paid off, apply the payments you had been paying to cards b and c to card a. So all three payments would go towards the last card.

4. You only need to live a cash-only lifestyle if you can’t treat your credit card like debit. Granted, many people who get into credit card debt have trouble with this concept, so they may need to use only cash to break a bad habit. But we didn’t have a hard time treating the credit card like it was debit. We only spent what we had. I would subtract my receipts from my budget categories, and when the money in the categories was gone, it was gone. Consider every credit transaction as a debit transaction. The end. We also get great rewards from our VISA and AmEX (free flights!!), so it was worth it for us to use credit. However, note that we did not use the cards we were paying off. We used two different cards that did not have outstanding balances. You don’t want to fight an uphill battle.
5. Did you get a chunk of cash from somewhere, like your tax refund? Consider applying that to your debt. We didn’t do that in 2012. We used our tax refund for our honeymoon. The next year, we chose to use it for a new camera for me (a moneymaker investment); but this past year, we threw the bulk of it at our debt, and got rid of at least 2 months’ payments. That helped, since our goal was to be out of debt by the time the baby arrived… and she’s not here yet! Maybe you have a money-making hobby. You can designate those profits to go straight to debt elimination, perhaps. Mike’s second job’s income had to go towards paying off our car (which we pay extra on to speed up the process. We figured we’ll have the $17k car paid off in a total of four years), but maybe you have a second job or tutoring job, or something that you could use to pay off the debt sooner.
6. Think ahead. Think of what you’ll do with your credit card payment once your cards are paid off. If you pay $700 a month like we did, imagine what you’ll do with that money when you are free and clear!! If you save three months of payments, that’s over $2,000, and enough for a nice vacation! That’s assuming you don’t get pregnant and lose an income, like us… J You’ve learned to live on less, so look forward to when you can live on more again! Keeping the end goal in mind always helped me not feel like I was throwing money into a black hole.

So maybe you’ve heard or read these principles a thousand times already. So what are you waiting for? It is so freeing to get out of debt, and as a Christian, it allows you to have the financial freedom to help others, which is a real blessing. Don’t wait to get out of debt; it will only get worse. Make a plan today, and in a few years’ time, you’ll reap the benefits. When we started, we had a three-year plan, and it felt like it would take forever. It took a little less time than we thought, and it was less painful than we imagined (especially when we worked on not being covetous or envious and avoided the “must be nice” phrase). We are still working on Mike’s student loans, but those are easier to stomach (by a little) because they were an investment in Mike’s education and spiritual growth. Those things are valuable, so I can’t complain. But those are also a fixed interest rate and have an end date. It makes me sick that they take all the interest before applying our money to the principal (especially because we’ll be paying off his loans early and wouldn’t need to pay all that interest), but that’s just the way they do things. Anyway… just do it!

xoxo, A

The Final Countdown

Partially because it’s in my nature, and partially because of the influence of my friend Kelly, I enjoy creating count-downs to big events. Before my wedding, I knew exactly how many days until the Big Day. I know there are seventeen days left until my due date. And I know that there are seven school days left before I leave my job.

But this time, this countdown isn't necessarily one I’m looking forward to with joy. I’m joyful for the reason—I’m going to be a mom, which has always been my dream job. But I’m fundamentally sad, because I’m leaving the job that has had a major hand in shaping me into the woman I am today.

I’ve devoted seven years of my life to Lakeside Christian School. I taught third grade (!), middle school English, 9^th-10^th grade English, and middle school and high school girls’ Bible. I grew in my teaching style, my classroom management, and my rapport with students. I was challenged, angered, proud, excited, exhausted, entertained, surprised, annoyed, and delighted, in no particular order.

I’m leaving a job that was different every day. I’m leaving a job where students cared enough to tell me about their lives, share their stories, deliver their jokes, cop their attitudes, and change their minds. I’m leaving a job where co-workers are friends and administration can be trusted. I’m leaving a job where I’ve seen students have “aha” moments and grow academically, spiritually, socially, and physically.

Essentially, I’m leaving all I’ve known for the last seven years. What used to be so unfamiliar and prickly has become home—yes, even here in the swampy Florida heat that I detest so much. It was never Florida that kept me here. It was always God impressing upon my heart that I needed to stay at LCS. LCS has kept me here. LCS was why I got involved in the youth group and met my husband. LCS employed my husband. LCS and my life will always be intertwined in a deeply personal way.

I’ll never forget when I told my students (via a game of hangman) that I was engaged, and a student ran into the hallway, shouting, “SHE GOT BLING!!!” I’ll never forget that some of my students attended my wedding, and their faces will forever be a part of my wedding photos. I’ll never forget their excitement, care, and concern through my pregnancy. How do I extract myself from something that has embedded itself so deeply into me?

I don’t know what this transition will be like. It’s a wonderful blessing that Little Miss Arbia will be born at the beginning of summer break, where it would feel natural to take a break from school anyway. But when school starts back up and I send Mike off to LCS in the morning… how will it feel? I have a feeling my daughter will take up so much of my heart and life that it will be easier than I anticipate. But as of right now, after everything, leaving just kind of makes my heart hurt.

So to all my students, know that it has been a privilege and joy. To my coworkers, it has been an honor. To my administrators, thank you for trusting me and caring for me. To my Lord, thank you for changing me through the lives of these precious people, and thank you for this little person who is forcing me to move on. LCS, you haven’t seen the last of me (I hope)!

xoxo, A

The Journey Thus Far

Week 8 - week 33... hopefully only about 5 or 6 more pictures left to take!!
xoxo, A

Opinions Are Like Armpits

I've always been very opinionated. Just ask my mom. Or ask my husband. He definitely knows. Somehow he married me, even though he knew that.

It’s easy to be opinionated about things with which one has experience. For example. I know by experience that Dannon Oikos is clearly the superior Greek yogurt, and Chobani isn’t even in the running. I mean, Oikos's key lime pie flavor or lemon meringue flavor can be little tubs of creamy heaven in the middle of a mediocre day, while Chobani just makes me twist my mouth into a sour, disappointed pucker.

But childbirth? How do I have opinions about childbirth before I've ever experienced it? It’s such an awkward place in which to find myself: I am supposed to develop a birth plan (naturally with the wisdom of others as my guide) when in reality I have no frame of reference for the kind of pain I will be experiencing. I don’t know what will come out of my mouth. Heck, I don’t even know everything that will come out of my body (please God, please not poop)!

For some first-time moms it’s easy, because they have long-standing opinions about medicine and organic everything. I don’t, really. I mean, I believe in being healthy and being good stewards of everything with which we’ve been entrusted, but I also can’t afford to live like Adam and Eve in a blissful garden of organic fruits and vegetables, so sometimes I buy canned food (*gasp*).

I did my own research and I talked with women I trust. I searched my own conscience and talked with my husband, and I think I’ve become opinionated about childbirth. Well, at least I have developed an opinion.

But I must admit my fear of all of that going out the window when push comes to shove, quite literally.

For the sake of accountability, I’m telling the world: I’m attempting natural childbirth. You may snort and say, “Doesn’t every woman attempt it?” And you’d probably be right. I did register for an epidural, so it’s quite possible I’ll crumble. I’m not anti-medicine in any way, and I do believe medicine was developed for a good reason and can be put to good use. But here is how I came to my opinion that attempting natural childbirth is the safest and most beneficial way for me to go: I figured that though childbirth is now painful as a result of sin, my body was still created to go through this process, and God has graciously made me strong and healthy. Secondly, countless women across generations and all terrains have given birth naturally and survived… and then have done it again… and again… Sometimes the medication can interfere with the process and complicate the delivery. Sometimes. Natural hormones are released when they aren’t covered by medication, and those hormones both bond mom to baby and help aid in the recovery process for both mind and body. 

So my plan is to labor and deliver naturally unless I am laboring for an excessive amount of time and need to rest in order to continue, or if there are unforeseen complications that would require medical intervention. Women who have medicated childbirths are not in any way failures. But if my body is doing what it’s supposed to be doing, I feel like I won't have an excuse for needing medication. Would it provide comfort? Definitely. But there’s this macabre part of me that thinks that feeling the full force of labor and delivery might help me better understand the weight of the curse of sin, and is it totally weird that I kind of want to understand that better in order to appreciate God's grace more?

So I've become opinionated (for myself, for the record. I don’t care what anybody else does in labor and delivery. Your “business” is your business) about something for which I have zero frame of reference. Let’s see if about a month from now I write a post that goes a little something like this:

“So about natural childbirth… it works in theory, like Communism...”

But I’m hoping that by the time I actually experience childbirth, I can look back and say “I took a leap of faith. I made a choice. I followed through. And now you’re here.”

And I wanted to end it there, poignantly, but I just have to take a minute to address how opinion everyone else gets when women are pregnant. The last thing a first-time pregnant mom needs is a bunch of women telling her what she must or must not do based on their own personal experiences. Every woman is different. Every pregnancy is different. Just because one woman gave birth naturally doesn't mean I will be able to handle it. Just because another woman sings the praises of medication doesn't mean I will need it. Opinions are fine, and even helpful, but when they become dogmatic "YOU HAVE TO HAVE AN EPIDURAL BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T YOUR BUSINESS WILL RIP OPEN IN A VIOLENT EXPLOSION OF GORE!!!!" statements, that's simply not helpful. 

What is most helpful is informed support. Tell a pregnant woman what labor is like, let her make her own decision, and then choose to believe in her and support her, even if it's not what you would choose. Because this is her, not you, and you had your chance to do it the way you wanted. Now it's her chance, and she needs to know that other people think she can do it. Chances are if she would listen to your opinion, she would also like you to be her cheerleader.

xoxo, A

Turning Thirty

My thirtieth birthday came and went. It was a lovely day, full of things I love: family, thunderstorms, good food, and a musical Disney movie. But when it was all said and done, of course it was just a day. And thirty doesn't feel any different than twenty-nine. To be perfectly honest, thirty doesn't feel all that different from the last few years. It does feel different than twenty, though, in a good way. I feel more confident in who I am in the Lord. I feel closer to my Savior. I have more responsibilities. The negative side to thirty is feeling the weight of those responsibilities, however.

But thirty really does feel good. I like who God has made me and I like what God has allowed me to do. What feels best about thirty is not the thought of getting older-- increased lines, gray hairs, weight gain, and joint pain. It's the thought of both what I've done in the last thirty years, and the thought of what I will do in the next.

I'd like to hope I'll meet every birthday with that perspective.
Happy 30th Birthday to me!

Oh... and I did NOT complete my 30 before 30 list. At all. haha.
xoxo, A

Baby Update

This is for those who never hear about my pregnancy. I try not to be obnoxious about it. So here's your baby update.

I'm 27 weeks now, nearing the end of my second trimester. I can feel Baby Girl kicking throughout the day. I must admit, at first, I wasn't sure if I liked the feeling. It was alien and intrusive. There were just organs in my body and now there was a human being, poking me from the inside. While the miracle of life certainly beautiful and I'm very thankful for it, let's not pretend that it isn't weird.

But now, I find it comforting. I've gotten used to it, and it reminds me that she's okay in there.

Some of my friends who don't have children yet might wonder what this feels like. I will tell you. It isn't like people told me: little ticklings from the inside, magical little bumps, like baby unicorns prancing in your uterus... okay maybe nobody explained it that way, but they do explain it with that postpartum fondness that somehow erases all things bizarre, uncomfortable, or gross about pregnancy.

I vowed to never have postpartum rose-colored glasses, but it's already started. I do remember feeling gross all the time for about a month or so in my first trimester... but I don't really remember how bad it was. That's God's grace, I'm sure. And it must be the same grace that puts those rose-colored glasses on after childbirth, too. But I digress.

Baby kicks. They feel like that horrifying gurgling that happens in your gut shortly before you spend some quality time in the bathroom. I'm sorry if that's totally crass, but that's really what it feels like a lot of the time, at least until the baby gets bigger. That's probably why women often mistake the feeling for gas at the beginning. When they get a little bigger, well-- it feels exactly like what you'd think it would feel like if something the size of a head of lettuce with elbows and feet were squirming around inside your belly.

I just started seeing her move from the outside of my belly, and that's even weirder. Thankfully (and this may be the only time I've preceded a statement about my fat with the word "thankfully") I have layers of padding to hopefully prevent this:

{source}

*shudder.*

That's really all that's happening on the baby front right now. I'm still sleeping okay, but I find myself very hungry, very often.

And I find that the belly rubbing I used to make fun of all the time is something I do now. It's instinctive. Besides the fact that my belly kind of itches, it's the closest I can come to giving physical affection to Baby Girl, and it also shows others that there's a baby in there and it's not just fat. Don't judge me.

I've got plans for the nursery, but there isn't much I can do at the moment without extra time and extra help. Fortunately, my parents and brother will be here next week and there will be a flurry of activity! Stay tuned for pictures when it's all done.

And stay tuned, because this is my last week in my twenties. I'm pretty sure I'll have to write about entering my thirties. I'll need the therapeutic outlet.


xoxo, A

A Valentine's Day Confession

I find today to be an appropriate day to talk about what I've been learning recently.

I'm about to get brutally honest.

I am a self-righteous, know-it-all, fruit of the Spirit-lacking wife. I mean, on the surface, I'm a good wife. I am always available for my husband, I cook and clean for him, I make him lunch, complete with a nice note, we talk together and laugh together, and I truly love him.

But I have been given a real (and necessary) kick in the pants.

Some day I plan to write a book about expectations and how they are at the root of relationship issues. And it's true. I found out that I am a self-righteous, know-it-all, fruit of the Spirit-lacking wife when I thought my expectations had not been met. Let me explain. My husband is a great husband. He is godly, faithful, caring, loving, often thoughtful, and likes to spend time with me. But somewhere, somehow, I got the idea that my husband was supposed to act a certain way if he was going to really show love to me. It's true, I feel love differently than he does, and he knows that. But in reality, if my husband is following I Cor. 13, that's real, true love. And most of the time, my husband does this.

But I didn't see it that way. I was struggling. Our relationship was never in peril, but I was allowing myself to feel hurt by the unmet expectations I had. I knew something had to change. I didn't think it would have to be me, because after all, I selflessly served my husband, day in and day out. How could it be me that had to change?

Then I read The Fruitful Wife by Hayley DiMarco. Consider my butt kicked. Actually, I haven't finished it-- I'm about halfway through, and my butt is thoroughly kicked. What she shares is nothing new, but I can relate so completely to her and her experience. She was an independent woman who got married later, and she likes to be in control and argue until people realize that she is right. She explains how the tension in her marriage was simply from a lack of fruit of the Spirit.

Wow. Imagine my surprise that the hurt I was feeling was a direct result of my own lacking, trusting relationship with the Lord, NOT my husband's lack of love. Imagine my surprise that I was not exhibiting real love, joy, peace, patience, etc.

What impacted me most was her point that we are to have the fruit of the Spirit not for our own satisfaction or to help us have a "happy" life, but rather for God's glory, and the good of others (which brings God glory as well). I need to love my husband regardless of if I feel loved in return because that is glorifying to God. I need to have joy in all circumstances because that is honoring to God. And so on.

This is elementary. But somehow, it seemed so new and fresh and just what I needed to hear.

So on this Valentine's Day, a day of expectation, I encourage you to love those around you-- husbands, fiances, boyfriends, friends, parents-- without expectation. Because if we trust our God, we know we have everything we need (including emotionally), and don't need to depend on what others do for us. Love them because God loves you. Love them because that's honoring to God.

And read this book! It's changing my perspective and improving my marriage. Maybe you'll like it, too!

Happy Valentine's Day!
xoxo, A

I'm Anti- Princess.

I grew up in what I like to think of as Disney's golden age. I know every word of every single song from The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, and Aladdin, in addition to most of the others before and after. To make my love of these Disney movies clear, let me tell you how I spent much of my elementary years: I collected Beauty and the Beast trading cards, slept on Beauty and the Beast sheets, played with my TWO sets of Beauty and the Beast Barbies, along with my Jasmine and Esmeralda Barbies, too. There is not a single part of me that to this day doesn't love most things Disney and all things Beauty and the Beast. I love the princesses. I love it all.

But I will not ever refer to my daughter as "Princess."

Some of you may call your daughters, nieces, etc. "Princess," but I just can. not. do. it. I can't stomach it.

In my mind, princesses are wonderful for dress up, Disney, Barbies, and pretend. Who doesn't love a good dress-up session and a tiara? But in reality, there are few things I hate more than a girl (or worse-- a woman!) with a princess complex.

I've felt this way for years. I recall a friend in high school cheekily giving me a gift of a throw pillow that was pink camouflage, emblazoned with the word "princess." They knew then what my husband knows now: I loathe the princess complex.

Here's why:
1. Often, girls who grow up hearing they're a princess tend to think a little much of themselves. Girls should believe they're beautiful, smart, valuable, and talented without thinking they're someone who deserves some kind of special treatment. They sometimes begin to expect a certain level of attention and admiration from everyone. I'm sorry, but if you're not Princess Kate, you're not getting princess treatment from me, anyway.

2. Sometimes girls with the princess complex feel the need to be rescued and/or romanced by their Prince Charming. Not realistic. Not healthy. Girls are valuable on their own. They are strong, smart, and brave, and if God blesses them with a husband (who will not be a prince and not always be charming), then they'll have a partner to live life with. But if they don't, they're still capable of a rich, full life.

3. Being a princess implies that others are not. We can't all be princesses, can we? Some of us must be commoners, after all. Those with the princess complex sometimes choose who the "commoners" are and make them feel as such. Mean girls, you know who you are.

4. I don't think girls need to be told they are something they're not (like "Princess," which also sounds like a poodle's name-- just saying.). I think girls should be told often what they actually are: fearfully and wonderfully made; works-in-progress; sinners with an opportunity to be saved by grace; made in God's image; valuable; servants for God.

So please don't call my daughter "Princess." She's not a princess, but she is beautifully crafted by God to use her abilities to glorify Him. Believe me, I'm sure we'll have plenty of princess playtime... but that doesn't mean she has to be a princess. Thank goodness. Now don't hate me... remember all the Disney paraphernalia?!?! :)

xoxo, A

Never Once

I don't know if any of you struggle with trust the way I do. Seems like my whole life is one big lesson of trusting in God's faithfulness. That's not a bad thing, but I wish I were quicker to remember God's faithfulness and slower to worry about the future.

There's one song about this I've been singing to myself a lot lately. I find it tremendously encouraging, and I hope you'll find it encouraging as well. It's "Never Once," by Matt Redman.

It seems to me it's written from the point of view of those at the end of things, when Christ returns to Earth in victory. But even if it's not-- even if it's just about the battles in our lives-- I just love it. Can't get through it without crying.

Ponder this:

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You can listen to it here.

xoxo, A