Turning Thirty

My thirtieth birthday came and went. It was a lovely day, full of things I love: family, thunderstorms, good food, and a musical Disney movie. But when it was all said and done, of course it was just a day. And thirty doesn't feel any different than twenty-nine. To be perfectly honest, thirty doesn't feel all that different from the last few years. It does feel different than twenty, though, in a good way. I feel more confident in who I am in the Lord. I feel closer to my Savior. I have more responsibilities. The negative side to thirty is feeling the weight of those responsibilities, however.

But thirty really does feel good. I like who God has made me and I like what God has allowed me to do. What feels best about thirty is not the thought of getting older-- increased lines, gray hairs, weight gain, and joint pain. It's the thought of both what I've done in the last thirty years, and the thought of what I will do in the next.

I'd like to hope I'll meet every birthday with that perspective.
Happy 30th Birthday to me!

Oh... and I did NOT complete my 30 before 30 list. At all. haha.
xoxo, A

Baby Update

This is for those who never hear about my pregnancy. I try not to be obnoxious about it. So here's your baby update.

I'm 27 weeks now, nearing the end of my second trimester. I can feel Baby Girl kicking throughout the day. I must admit, at first, I wasn't sure if I liked the feeling. It was alien and intrusive. There were just organs in my body and now there was a human being, poking me from the inside. While the miracle of life certainly beautiful and I'm very thankful for it, let's not pretend that it isn't weird.

But now, I find it comforting. I've gotten used to it, and it reminds me that she's okay in there.

Some of my friends who don't have children yet might wonder what this feels like. I will tell you. It isn't like people told me: little ticklings from the inside, magical little bumps, like baby unicorns prancing in your uterus... okay maybe nobody explained it that way, but they do explain it with that postpartum fondness that somehow erases all things bizarre, uncomfortable, or gross about pregnancy.

I vowed to never have postpartum rose-colored glasses, but it's already started. I do remember feeling gross all the time for about a month or so in my first trimester... but I don't really remember how bad it was. That's God's grace, I'm sure. And it must be the same grace that puts those rose-colored glasses on after childbirth, too. But I digress.

Baby kicks. They feel like that horrifying gurgling that happens in your gut shortly before you spend some quality time in the bathroom. I'm sorry if that's totally crass, but that's really what it feels like a lot of the time, at least until the baby gets bigger. That's probably why women often mistake the feeling for gas at the beginning. When they get a little bigger, well-- it feels exactly like what you'd think it would feel like if something the size of a head of lettuce with elbows and feet were squirming around inside your belly.

I just started seeing her move from the outside of my belly, and that's even weirder. Thankfully (and this may be the only time I've preceded a statement about my fat with the word "thankfully") I have layers of padding to hopefully prevent this:

{source}

*shudder.*

That's really all that's happening on the baby front right now. I'm still sleeping okay, but I find myself very hungry, very often.

And I find that the belly rubbing I used to make fun of all the time is something I do now. It's instinctive. Besides the fact that my belly kind of itches, it's the closest I can come to giving physical affection to Baby Girl, and it also shows others that there's a baby in there and it's not just fat. Don't judge me.

I've got plans for the nursery, but there isn't much I can do at the moment without extra time and extra help. Fortunately, my parents and brother will be here next week and there will be a flurry of activity! Stay tuned for pictures when it's all done.

And stay tuned, because this is my last week in my twenties. I'm pretty sure I'll have to write about entering my thirties. I'll need the therapeutic outlet.


xoxo, A

A Valentine's Day Confession

I find today to be an appropriate day to talk about what I've been learning recently.

I'm about to get brutally honest.

I am a self-righteous, know-it-all, fruit of the Spirit-lacking wife. I mean, on the surface, I'm a good wife. I am always available for my husband, I cook and clean for him, I make him lunch, complete with a nice note, we talk together and laugh together, and I truly love him.

But I have been given a real (and necessary) kick in the pants.

Some day I plan to write a book about expectations and how they are at the root of relationship issues. And it's true. I found out that I am a self-righteous, know-it-all, fruit of the Spirit-lacking wife when I thought my expectations had not been met. Let me explain. My husband is a great husband. He is godly, faithful, caring, loving, often thoughtful, and likes to spend time with me. But somewhere, somehow, I got the idea that my husband was supposed to act a certain way if he was going to really show love to me. It's true, I feel love differently than he does, and he knows that. But in reality, if my husband is following I Cor. 13, that's real, true love. And most of the time, my husband does this.

But I didn't see it that way. I was struggling. Our relationship was never in peril, but I was allowing myself to feel hurt by the unmet expectations I had. I knew something had to change. I didn't think it would have to be me, because after all, I selflessly served my husband, day in and day out. How could it be me that had to change?

Then I read The Fruitful Wife by Hayley DiMarco. Consider my butt kicked. Actually, I haven't finished it-- I'm about halfway through, and my butt is thoroughly kicked. What she shares is nothing new, but I can relate so completely to her and her experience. She was an independent woman who got married later, and she likes to be in control and argue until people realize that she is right. She explains how the tension in her marriage was simply from a lack of fruit of the Spirit.

Wow. Imagine my surprise that the hurt I was feeling was a direct result of my own lacking, trusting relationship with the Lord, NOT my husband's lack of love. Imagine my surprise that I was not exhibiting real love, joy, peace, patience, etc.

What impacted me most was her point that we are to have the fruit of the Spirit not for our own satisfaction or to help us have a "happy" life, but rather for God's glory, and the good of others (which brings God glory as well). I need to love my husband regardless of if I feel loved in return because that is glorifying to God. I need to have joy in all circumstances because that is honoring to God. And so on.

This is elementary. But somehow, it seemed so new and fresh and just what I needed to hear.

So on this Valentine's Day, a day of expectation, I encourage you to love those around you-- husbands, fiances, boyfriends, friends, parents-- without expectation. Because if we trust our God, we know we have everything we need (including emotionally), and don't need to depend on what others do for us. Love them because God loves you. Love them because that's honoring to God.

And read this book! It's changing my perspective and improving my marriage. Maybe you'll like it, too!

Happy Valentine's Day!
xoxo, A

I'm Anti- Princess.

I grew up in what I like to think of as Disney's golden age. I know every word of every single song from The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, and Aladdin, in addition to most of the others before and after. To make my love of these Disney movies clear, let me tell you how I spent much of my elementary years: I collected Beauty and the Beast trading cards, slept on Beauty and the Beast sheets, played with my TWO sets of Beauty and the Beast Barbies, along with my Jasmine and Esmeralda Barbies, too. There is not a single part of me that to this day doesn't love most things Disney and all things Beauty and the Beast. I love the princesses. I love it all.

But I will not ever refer to my daughter as "Princess."

Some of you may call your daughters, nieces, etc. "Princess," but I just can. not. do. it. I can't stomach it.

In my mind, princesses are wonderful for dress up, Disney, Barbies, and pretend. Who doesn't love a good dress-up session and a tiara? But in reality, there are few things I hate more than a girl (or worse-- a woman!) with a princess complex.

I've felt this way for years. I recall a friend in high school cheekily giving me a gift of a throw pillow that was pink camouflage, emblazoned with the word "princess." They knew then what my husband knows now: I loathe the princess complex.

Here's why:
1. Often, girls who grow up hearing they're a princess tend to think a little much of themselves. Girls should believe they're beautiful, smart, valuable, and talented without thinking they're someone who deserves some kind of special treatment. They sometimes begin to expect a certain level of attention and admiration from everyone. I'm sorry, but if you're not Princess Kate, you're not getting princess treatment from me, anyway.

2. Sometimes girls with the princess complex feel the need to be rescued and/or romanced by their Prince Charming. Not realistic. Not healthy. Girls are valuable on their own. They are strong, smart, and brave, and if God blesses them with a husband (who will not be a prince and not always be charming), then they'll have a partner to live life with. But if they don't, they're still capable of a rich, full life.

3. Being a princess implies that others are not. We can't all be princesses, can we? Some of us must be commoners, after all. Those with the princess complex sometimes choose who the "commoners" are and make them feel as such. Mean girls, you know who you are.

4. I don't think girls need to be told they are something they're not (like "Princess," which also sounds like a poodle's name-- just saying.). I think girls should be told often what they actually are: fearfully and wonderfully made; works-in-progress; sinners with an opportunity to be saved by grace; made in God's image; valuable; servants for God.

So please don't call my daughter "Princess." She's not a princess, but she is beautifully crafted by God to use her abilities to glorify Him. Believe me, I'm sure we'll have plenty of princess playtime... but that doesn't mean she has to be a princess. Thank goodness. Now don't hate me... remember all the Disney paraphernalia?!?! :)

xoxo, A

Never Once

I don't know if any of you struggle with trust the way I do. Seems like my whole life is one big lesson of trusting in God's faithfulness. That's not a bad thing, but I wish I were quicker to remember God's faithfulness and slower to worry about the future.

There's one song about this I've been singing to myself a lot lately. I find it tremendously encouraging, and I hope you'll find it encouraging as well. It's "Never Once," by Matt Redman.

It seems to me it's written from the point of view of those at the end of things, when Christ returns to Earth in victory. But even if it's not-- even if it's just about the battles in our lives-- I just love it. Can't get through it without crying.

Ponder this:

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You can listen to it here.

xoxo, A

It's a Girl!

It's a girl. :)

After waiting for what seemed like forever but was actually 15 weeks, we finally got to find out the gender of our little one.

I don't know if there has ever been a time where I've waited with as much anticipation. It was different from moving or getting married, because there was nothing I could do about it. I've heard it said that finding out the gender of your child is one of the few true surprises in your life, and I can say with certainty that it's true. It didn't matter what old wives' tale I heard-- there was no way for us to know until that ultrasound.

As I drove to my appointment, I thought about what I would want to teach my child, depending on its gender. If it would be a boy, I'd want to teach him to respect women, keep his eyes, mind, and body pure, and to be a diligent worker. If it would be a girl, I'd want to teach her to be comfortable with her body, have a strong, witty mind, and respect herself.

I felt such nervous anticipation! Honestly, Mike and I thought it might be a boy. I don't have any reason for that, and not even that motherly hunch some get. We just thought it might be. And truthfully, we hoped for that, because we want to make sure the Arbia name carries on. We were excited and prepared for either, however, knowing that the child we have is the precise child God has picked out for us.

We saw her cute little profile, and it kind of took my breath away. The last time I saw her, she was a tiny little gummy bear with wiggling legs. Now-- now she really looked like a little person. The technician called her strong and scrappy. She showed us her working heart, strong spine, and how she'd grab her feet with ten little toes. We thought she'd never tell us. Until she did.

I grabbed Mike's hand and my eyes started to tear up. I didn't make a sound, but somehow the technician knew. She passed me a tissue. I couldn't help but get misty eyed: we could finally call our baby "she," which is infinitely more real than "it." And she is ours.

I'm halfway through the pregnancy now. It's nice to have direction, not just for planning purposes, but for dreaming purposes. Dreaming of this little girl and who she'll be, what she'll look like, what I'll teach her... now it feels real.

I'm sorry for the post entirely about the baby, but wow... I just had to share today's emotions.
xoxo, A

The Beauty of Christmas

I love the beauty of Christmas. In my house, everything is glittery, silver, and gold, with lots of twinkly lights. In my in-laws' house, there are lots of blue and green lights and fun Disney characters that play Christmas carols and my niece and I dance to them. In my parents' house, everything is classic Christmas for me: colorful tree with old ornaments that tell stories, and homemade cross-stitched stockings on the mantle.

I love the beauty of Christmas. Children are excited and the young ones feel a sense of wonder. Adults get giddy, picking out the perfect gifts. People are nicer and more generous. Miracles seem to happen.

I love the beauty of Christmas.
"Nails, spear shall pierce Him through;
The cross be borne for me for you.
Hail, hail the Word made flesh,
The Babe, the Son of Mary."
-- "What Child is This"

Merry Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, everyone. Enjoy the beauty of Christmas-- all of it.

xoxo, A

The Truths That Changed Us

All my life, I've had great ambitions. I've wanted to be a missionary to the ignored Europeans. I've wanted to be a famous fashion designer, an interior designer, and an actress. I still want to become a published writer. Some of those ambitions became reality: I became a teacher. I got married. And now, I'm going to be a mom. The two constant ambitions that never changed were becoming a wife and a mom. Though this world typically scoffs at a woman who chooses to invest her life in her husband and children, writing her off as naive, uncultured, uneducated, and wasteful, I think it is a high calling. It's not an investment in the economy or the arts (and those are wonderful, too); it's an investment in the future, and as a believer in Jesus Christ, it's an investment in eternity, too.

Just after I got married, however, the thought of having children literally made my stomach turn. I was (perhaps selfishly) perfectly content with just Mike and me. I loved our little, comfy life. Deep down, I still wanted kids, but not for a LONG TIME. Then we got a dog, and suddenly I had responsibilities. God started to change my heart and little by little, the idea of possibly having a child with my husband became an exciting (and scary) thought. I wasn't fully sold though. It never seemed like the "right time." I know what everyone tells you: "You'll never be financially ready." "There's never a good time or the right time to have kids." But I didn't want to be foolish. We both had steady jobs and a place to live, but those steady jobs brought in barely enough to live on, we lived in a one-bedroom apartment, and we were still paying off debt. But then suddenly God gave me a different perspective. While indeed there is a time and season for everything, and I'm a firm believer in learning how to simply be married before learning how to be married AND be a parent, God helped me see things from a more biblical perspective than the phrase, "we're waiting until the time is right." 

As I understand it, the Bible gives us three truths that apply to the question, "when should we have kids?" 

1. Our relationship to our husband/wife needs to be second only to our relationship with God.

2. Children are a gift from the Lord.

3. God promises to meet all of our NEEDS. 

Those simple truths helped Mike and me come to the decision that maybe we should just see what God has in store. Our relationship was solid, so knowing the other two truths helped us take that leap. And once we took a deep breath and decided to open ourselves up to the possibility of kids, a whole new ballgame began.

It was time to play the "what if" game. What if I'm too old? What if I have trouble getting pregnant? What if this process takes years and then I'm really too old? What if it simply doesn't happen? I found one other Biblical truth very helpful:

1. God is sovereign.

It could take years to get pregnant, or it could never happen. I didn't take it for granted. I know that every time a child is conceived, it is indeed a miracle, and I don't mean that in a trite way. So many things have to happen at the right time, in the right way for that life to begin. And then it's another miracle for that child to grow and survive in the womb. Never did I think it was a given that once we decided to have children, it would happen quickly and easily. I was prepared for the long haul.

And then God surprised me.

He decided not to have us wait; that wouldn't be our trial this time. For some, that's their trial with God and one way God is shaping them into His image. For us, it will be (and has been) other things. Five weeks after deciding to "see what happens," this happened:

This picture is precious to me, because I had literally, minutes before, found out that a miracle had happened. You can see the tears in my eyes and the surprised/happy/terrified look on my face. At this moment, God and I were the only ones who knew about this little life. Mike was at work at Publix and I was home alone, drenched in sweat because our AC had broken. It had been an awful day, and I took the test only because (in my bad attitude), I thought it would be one more reason to have a bad day, since I was sure it would be negative. In the past, I waited the full 2 minutes and squinted, just to be sure there was no vertical line. This time, that sucker showed right up. I didn't realize that there really can't be false positives on these tests, so I may or may not have taken two more, just to make sure.

Guess it was for sure. It was surreal, because I really hadn't thought it would happen so quickly. It was terrifying, because how were we going to be parents?! It was sweet, because God had done a miracle.

And now, I'm 16.5 weeks in. God has seen fit to sustain this baby thus far, and we are grateful. Nervous, still, but we know these truths, as well:
1. We have no reason to be terrified, since God is for us.
2. God has given us everything we need for life and godliness. That must include becoming parents.

Amazing how simple life becomes when we rest in the truths God has given us.

I don't know where you're at: maybe you're disinclined to have children for the same reasons we were. Maybe you want them but it's "not the right time." Maybe you deeply desire to have children but God hasn't chosen to allow that yet. Maybe you're going through the heartache of losing a child. Maybe you're in the process of adopting a child. Maybe your quiver is full of children. And maybe you're still waiting for the one that God has for you to share your life with and possibly have children with. Wherever you are, I hope that what my journey so far has shown you is that trusting these truths about God (and all the truths in His Word) help us to submit to His will and endure (and enjoy) whatever it is He has planned for us: whatever blessings or trials that are a part of our unique stories.

xoxo, A

Hi there.

Oops. It's been over 5 months since I've last posted here. Let's be generous and call it a sabbatical. In reality, for over a month my laptop wouldn't access Blogger for some reason, and then after that, life got really busy. Probably not as busy as you moms out there, but definitely busy for me. Here's what I've  neglected to share with you over the last 5 months (and photos from the summer):
June: a fantastic vacation with my family to Jackson Hole, Wyoming. It ranks up there as one of my favorite vacations ever, and Mike and I loved the area so much that we would live there if we could afford it.
July: a visit to Bestie's country home and doin' up the 4th right, and St. Augustine! Plus lots and lots of packing. And a quick surprise visit to Chicago to celebrate Grandma's 80th. It was ungodly hot.
August: quick surprise 30th bday trip to Texas to see my dearest, oldest friend (and some family). School began again, and even more packing. Work hadn't been this hard since my first year of teaching. I didn't have time to cry about it, let alone blog. Don't worry-- it's better now.

 Our view from our cabin!

 The Tetons!

 Waterfall!

 Buffalo!

 We were thisclose to this black bear!

 Yellowstone!

 Elk in the background!

 Hot Springs!

 Old Faithful erupting!

 Can you believe this is real life? The old Mormon row.

 This is real life, too!

 Lupines!

 My cowboy at the rodeo!

 That's Wyoming!

 With Bestie at St. Augustine!

  Aw!

 Grandma's surprise 80th birthday party!

 With Sarah at the Art Institute!

 With Alyx in Dallas, by the Book Depository!

 Where Kennedy was shot. :(

Family at Joe T. Garcia's!

September: we moved! We literally moved not even a mile-- in fact, we can see our apartment complex from our bedroom window. We now have two bedrooms and two bathrooms... hooray! At the end of this month, our lives changed more than we ever expected: I found out I was pregnant! More to come on that later...
October: tired. I was just really tired all the time, and feeling apathetic about fixing up our condo. I certainly didn't have the energy to blog. Then the nausea began... oh Lord. However, we got to see our little active baby for the first time at the end of this month, and we got to tell our Chicago family in person about our little one.
November: morning sickness, afternoon sickness, and evening sickness. The smell of anything made me gag. Talking made me gag. Our condo smelled worse than I could have ever imagined. Yeah... November kind of stunk. But Thanksgiving break was fantastic and just what the doctor ordered. Oh yeah, and that visit from Mom-- that was definitely what the doctor ordered.
December: this is where you find me now: nausea is waning (thank God!), appetite is returning (yum!), the house is festive, and I'm ready to return to Chicago for Christmas!

Whew. Now here's a freaky thought: five months from now, our baby will almost be here, and school will almost be over. How does time fly so quickly?!

xoxo, A

Samples of Things Teachers Hear On Any Given Day

Here are a just a few of the gems I've heard in the last couple of weeks:

"I'm allergic to my underwear."

{to the tune of "Santa Baby"} "Ginger baby, don't come down my chimney tonight."

{on the very last day of watching William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet} "The guy who played Romeo looked a lot like Leonardo DiCaprio."

"Would you be as scared of bugs if they could talk to you?"

"I'm abnormal."

The moral of the story: if you want to laugh/groan/shake your head every day, become a teacher. Every day is different!
xoxo, A